I DON'T DREAM

Right now, I don't have any dreams.

Did you hear me?

RIGHT NOW, I DON'T HAVE ANY DREAMS.

Much of the stuff that I have dreamt about or desired to accomplished. I have done it.

At 31, I don't have any dreams...right now.

I am still not married and I don't yet own a home.

I am confident that I will accomplish these things though, so I really don't count them. Furthermore, I am not all that focused on accomplishing these things right now. All my life, I have been achieving, it is just what I do. I have managed to finally stop.

Seriously, I have pulled myself to the side and said relax. I don't know what is next for me. I know where I have been and I know where I am right now. And that is all I know.

So you can catch me in the cut...not dreaming.

My Life is Good (and so is yours, probably)

At the end of everyday, as I race home to get back on the internet, I am faced with the reality that my life is pretty good.

As I get older, I am acutely aware of the fact that there is no perfection. There is no perfect job, perfect mate, perfect life (although I still believe that there are many perfect shoes, bags and coats), therefore, I understand that there will always be something to deal with or work through and I am okay with that (most days).

But I often find myself grateful for, well, everything. Here is a short list.

1) I have a job AND it pays me well.

I make good money at a company that I love. I am not all that thrilled about the job, but my salary affords me many luxuries that enhance my life. I thank God for this. What is lacking in my job, I make up for in travel, spa services, fine dining, health and wellness and anything else that I want. I love to indulge.


2) I live in Southern California.

Today, it was 70 something degrees. Everyday is for the most part, a sunny day. I don't have to worry about cloudiness, wind, snow and the depressing grays of other major cities. Here, its sunshine, most of the time, and I am so grateful for that.


3) My Parents are well.

Both of my parents are in decent health. My dad is 60 and my mom is 59. They are both entering into the golden years with grace.

4) I am in excellent health.

I can swim a mile, bike 24 and run 6. My skin is shiny and vibrant. My hair is a wild mix of curls and kinks. My teeth are staight, no cavities recently. I have the use of all of my limbs and appendages.

These are just a few reasons why my life is good. I am going to continue to try to focus on the good. You should too.

PIECES OF MY HEART

I have a confession to make.

My heart hurts.

Still.

From lots of stuff.

From giving and being taken from. From rejection.

I have never felt this way in my life. I feel like I have reached the end of loving.

I could never understand people who built walls around their heart.

I knew what it was to love hard and still lose, but I was always able to dust myself off.

This time...Not so much.

This time, I can't seem to stand back up. I don't want to. I want to stay right here, with my heart in my hands. forever.

What's Good?

It has been a minute. maybe fifteen. seriously. I have been longing to write. I feel really good right now. Almost the end of a frustrating week culminating with some real interesting news about a friend of mine. And it didn't even phase me. odd. to hear of new and different situations for people that you care about. that. don't. involve you.

and then to shrug it off and keep on moving. it don't make me none. do you. ima do me. and perhaps by doing us. we'll meet again. on the other side of happiness. down the road from merriment and joy.

i realize. that when you think things should go a different way. you are. often wrong. things go, move along, just as they supposed to. don't question anything anymore. it just is...what it is.

What I have to say

Dear Ex,

How are you? I have had you on my mind lately, curious as to how things have been. Do I ever cross your mind...anytime? Do you ever wake up, reaching out for me?

This time last year we were breaking up. And this week in particular, I am (suprisingly) in mourning over that break up. Don't get me wrong, this isn't an attempt to get back with you. It was clear to me then and is still clear to me now, that we aren't the ones for each other. We both deserve to be happy. And quite honestly, I am not really sure I want to be "friends" with you. However, I did care and I still do. Because I loved you once, I still hope that only good things have come your way.

And so I write this letter out of a mixture of sadness, curiousity, grieving and loss. I guess I just wanted to get that out of my heart.

I hope you are well.

DON'T CALL ME A STALKER.

My emotions have been all over the place, this week. Is it because of your monthly cycle you ask? Or perhaps it is the lasting effects of last week's bikini wax BO-nanza? No, it is because it is right around this time last year that I was walking...no running, away from a relationship. Suddenly, one minute I am fine the next minute I am bawling like a freakin' two year. What in tha' heck?

It was sad, but not really. I was ready for it to end and I have no regrets so what is with the random water works? Moreover, what is with the stalkerish behavior? Looking at his profiles, googling his name, finding his myspace page....WHAT IN THE DEGRASSI JR HIGH HECK IS MY GROWN BEHIND DOING? I don't even want him back, but I am suddenly obsessed with his every move this past year. I am reviewing e-mails from our break up. It is just crazy.Nuts even.

Don't tell anyone and don't call me a stalker...I may be slightly stalkerish but I ain't no stalker. I'm going whitney style with mines.

(slowly and quietly opening a new browser)

AGENTS OF CHANGE

So, I caught most of the New Hampshire debates. Let me preface what I am about to say with a few key facts.

I am registered to vote.

I consider myself independent although my politics tend to be heavily democratic and liberal.

I have not been spending a whole lot of time getting to know the candidates and their platforms until just recently. (Heck, this year is what really matters, no?)

I have read roughly 50% of Barack Obama's "The Audacity of Hope" and yes, I teared up a bit when he made his speech after winning in Iowa.

All that being said, I still don't have a firm commitment to a candidate but here are my thoughts after the debates.

Like many of my generation, we are sick and tired of the screwed up politics of George Bush and the republicans. We loved (and still love Clinton), he is one of the presidential heroes of our time and if he could be elected again, the nation would certainly respond....or would they?

I don't know about you, but I am hungry. I not only want change but I want miraculous change. Our nation needs more hopde and possibility than we have ever needed before. Hilary Clinton in office wouldn't neccessarily be such a change. We know what her politics are and they aren't that far removed from those of her husband. And while Mr. Bill did wonderful things for our country, let's not forget that there were some major mistakes made. Gaping holes in foriegn policy (does anyone remember Rwanda? and OUR reluctance to call it genocide). Also, let's not forget, the national health care initiatives that never got off the ground.

What I am trying to say here is, a Clinton in office might be good enough....but why should we settle for less than we deserve?

What if, either Barack Obama or John Edwards in office brought our country to a level that far surpasses the previous Clinton adminstration?

Isn't the point of change, not for us to simply restore ourselves to a place we were at a previous time in our lives, but to actually transcend that point in time and be better?

These are just my thoughts.

Joy onto The Love Fantastic

So yes, it is friday night and I am at home watching my newly purchased copy of "Something New" and posting another blog entry. I am not unhappy about being in the cut. Right now, it is rainy outside and you know it never rains in southern california.



Instead, I am working on my new years' themes. I am all into love. I have pledged to spend time reading about it, analyzing it, appreciating it, watching movies about it. In short, I am mentally getting back in the game. So far, it has been great.





Here are the movies I have watched so far, some for the first time, others for the fiftieth time.



1) Something New (LOVE simon baker and sanaa!)

2) Little Manhattan (LOVE this, the emotions of the kids are so real!)

3) Love, Actually (There is no better holiday love story!)

4) The Holiday (so-so)


Any other suggestions?