Shanonmuir

 

 

 

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shanonmuir

 

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I DON'T DREAM

Right now, I don't have any dreams.

Did you hear me?

RIGHT NOW, I DON'T HAVE ANY DREAMS.

Much of the stuff that I have dreamt about or desired to accomplished. I have done it.

At 31, I don't have any dreams...right now.

I am still not married and I don't yet own a home.

I am confident that I will accomplish these things though, so I really don't count them. Furthermore, I am not all that focused on accomplishing these things right now. All my life, I have been achieving, it is just what I do. I have managed to finally stop.

Seriously, I have pulled myself to the side and said relax. I don't know what is next for me. I know where I have been and I know where I am right now. And that is all I know.

So you can catch me in the cut...not dreaming.

My Life is Good (and so is yours, probably)

At the end of everyday, as I race home to get back on the internet, I am faced with the reality that my life is pretty good.

As I get older, I am acutely aware of the fact that there is no perfection. There is no perfect job, perfect mate, perfect life (although I still believe that there are many perfect shoes, bags and coats), therefore, I understand that there will always be something to deal with or work through and I am okay with that (most days).

But I often find myself grateful for, well, everything. Here is a short list.

1) I have a job AND it pays me well.

I make good money at a company that I love. I am not all that thrilled about the job, but my salary affords me many luxuries that enhance my life. I thank God for this. What is lacking in my job, I make up for in travel, spa services, fine dining, health and wellness and anything else that I want. I love to indulge.


2) I live in Southern California.

Today, it was 70 something degrees. Everyday is for the most part, a sunny day. I don't have to worry about cloudiness, wind, snow and the depressing grays of other major cities. Here, its sunshine, most of the time, and I am so grateful for that.


3) My Parents are well.

Both of my parents are in decent health. My dad is 60 and my mom is 59. They are both entering into the golden years with grace.

4) I am in excellent health.

I can swim a mile, bike 24 and run 6. My skin is shiny and vibrant. My hair is a wild mix of curls and kinks. My teeth are staight, no cavities recently. I have the use of all of my limbs and appendages.

These are just a few reasons why my life is good. I am going to continue to try to focus on the good. You should too.

PIECES OF MY HEART

I have a confession to make.

My heart hurts.

Still.

From lots of stuff.

From giving and being taken from. From rejection.

I have never felt this way in my life. I feel like I have reached the end of loving.

I could never understand people who built walls around their heart.

I knew what it was to love hard and still lose, but I was always able to dust myself off.

This time...Not so much.

This time, I can't seem to stand back up. I don't want to. I want to stay right here, with my heart in my hands. forever.

What's Good?

It has been a minute. maybe fifteen. seriously. I have been longing to write. I feel really good right now. Almost the end of a frustrating week culminating with some real interesting news about a friend of mine. And it didn't even phase me. odd. to hear of new and different situations for people that you care about. that. don't. involve you.

and then to shrug it off and keep on moving. it don't make me none. do you. ima do me. and perhaps by doing us. we'll meet again. on the other side of happiness. down the road from merriment and joy.

i realize. that when you think things should go a different way. you are. often wrong. things go, move along, just as they supposed to. don't question anything anymore. it just is...what it is.

What I have to say

Dear Ex,

How are you? I have had you on my mind lately, curious as to how things have been. Do I ever cross your mind...anytime? Do you ever wake up, reaching out for me?

This time last year we were breaking up. And this week in particular, I am (suprisingly) in mourning over that break up. Don't get me wrong, this isn't an attempt to get back with you. It was clear to me then and is still clear to me now, that we aren't the ones for each other. We both deserve to be happy. And quite honestly, I am not really sure I want to be "friends" with you. However, I did care and I still do. Because I loved you once, I still hope that only good things have come your way.

And so I write this letter out of a mixture of sadness, curiousity, grieving and loss. I guess I just wanted to get that out of my heart.

I hope you are well.

DON'T CALL ME A STALKER.

My emotions have been all over the place, this week. Is it because of your monthly cycle you ask? Or perhaps it is the lasting effects of last week's bikini wax BO-nanza? No, it is because it is right around this time last year that I was walking...no running, away from a relationship. Suddenly, one minute I am fine the next minute I am bawling like a freakin' two year. What in tha' heck?

It was sad, but not really. I was ready for it to end and I have no regrets so what is with the random water works? Moreover, what is with the stalkerish behavior? Looking at his profiles, googling his name, finding his myspace page....WHAT IN THE DEGRASSI JR HIGH HECK IS MY GROWN BEHIND DOING? I don't even want him back, but I am suddenly obsessed with his every move this past year. I am reviewing e-mails from our break up. It is just crazy.Nuts even.

Don't tell anyone and don't call me a stalker...I may be slightly stalkerish but I ain't no stalker. I'm going whitney style with mines.

(slowly and quietly opening a new browser)

AGENTS OF CHANGE

So, I caught most of the New Hampshire debates. Let me preface what I am about to say with a few key facts.

I am registered to vote.

I consider myself independent although my politics tend to be heavily democratic and liberal.

I have not been spending a whole lot of time getting to know the candidates and their platforms until just recently. (Heck, this year is what really matters, no?)

I have read roughly 50% of Barack Obama's "The Audacity of Hope" and yes, I teared up a bit when he made his speech after winning in Iowa.

All that being said, I still don't have a firm commitment to a candidate but here are my thoughts after the debates.

Like many of my generation, we are sick and tired of the screwed up politics of George Bush and the republicans. We loved (and still love Clinton), he is one of the presidential heroes of our time and if he could be elected again, the nation would certainly respond....or would they?

I don't know about you, but I am hungry. I not only want change but I want miraculous change. Our nation needs more hopde and possibility than we have ever needed before. Hilary Clinton in office wouldn't neccessarily be such a change. We know what her politics are and they aren't that far removed from those of her husband. And while Mr. Bill did wonderful things for our country, let's not forget that there were some major mistakes made. Gaping holes in foriegn policy (does anyone remember Rwanda? and OUR reluctance to call it genocide). Also, let's not forget, the national health care initiatives that never got off the ground.

What I am trying to say here is, a Clinton in office might be good enough....but why should we settle for less than we deserve?

What if, either Barack Obama or John Edwards in office brought our country to a level that far surpasses the previous Clinton adminstration?

Isn't the point of change, not for us to simply restore ourselves to a place we were at a previous time in our lives, but to actually transcend that point in time and be better?

These are just my thoughts.

Joy onto The Love Fantastic

So yes, it is friday night and I am at home watching my newly purchased copy of "Something New" and posting another blog entry. I am not unhappy about being in the cut. Right now, it is rainy outside and you know it never rains in southern california.



Instead, I am working on my new years' themes. I am all into love. I have pledged to spend time reading about it, analyzing it, appreciating it, watching movies about it. In short, I am mentally getting back in the game. So far, it has been great.





Here are the movies I have watched so far, some for the first time, others for the fiftieth time.



1) Something New (LOVE simon baker and sanaa!)

2) Little Manhattan (LOVE this, the emotions of the kids are so real!)

3) Love, Actually (There is no better holiday love story!)

4) The Holiday (so-so)


Any other suggestions?

IT'S JUST ALL WRONG PEOPLE

(DEEP SIGH)

Ok, so after I spent $212 at my favorite little boutique in Lancaster AND came home and threw together the shirt above with some dark jeans, a cute wide brown belt AND (are you ready for this?) some PINK and BROWN tall boots.... (*THUD*) Oh yeah, and I rounded out the look with some pink earrings.

After I put out the fire on me...(because you know I was hot!) I realized that I should really work at some fashion magazine or somewhere my style can be fully appreciated. Luckily, I work in entertainment which gives me a little bit of free license to work out my inner fashion maven. I would never say I am a full diva. I know some ladies who know how to shop and how to dress and quite honestly,my style game is no where near some of the OD's (Original Divas).

I realize that one of the reasons that my style game has matured is because it is the only place I can be creative. My job doesn't allow me the ability to fully access my creative self, but in the morning I can decide color, fit, style and matching shoe, which gives me enough satisfaction to last through the day.

But I am slowly realizing that this is not going to be enough to last my entire career.

Hey, doesn't INSTYLE need lawyers????

JUST FINE!

I can't wait to get Mary's new album. I love the first song that was released. My history with Mary (because don't we all have a history with Mary), is that I seem to stumble upon her at different points in my life. Each time, I am going through (or about to go through) some relationship drama, she drops an album and I use it as my therapy. The lyrics and melodies speak directly to my situation and I literally don't listen to anything else for weeks upon weeks.

So imagine my delight when I realized she was going to drop an album entitled "Growing Pains."

That is so where I am in my life. I had a rough year, but I am here and everything is really "Just Fine." I am healthy, I am joyful and I like who I am and furthermore, who I am about to become. No, not everything is perfect, but as with anything in life, when you make it through a storm, you are bigger, better and stronger than you were before and that is a celebration in itself.

So I am here singing...my life, my life's just fine...fine..fine..!

LOVE...ACTUALLY

In 2008, I am taking. love. on.

Let me explain.

Last January, we stopped talking. She and I had a falling out. We had been tussling with each other for years and she clearly was kickin' my ample behind. I was drained. Tired of fighting with her. Tired of feeling less and less lov-ed every day. So I ended it. Gave her the deuces and never looked back.

Oh, I was cool at first, but she tried to fool me. Tried to make me believe that I just needed a break or maybe just a change of scenery and I would be fine. So I considered briefly talking to her again, but I quickly came to realize that it really wasn't time.

So we really and truly stopped seeing each other. We haven't talked for months. I filled my time with neat little projects like triathalons and traveling. I was miserable sometimes. I will admit, I missed love. But all I had to do was close my eyes and I was right back where we left off. Angered words. Bitterness. I couldn't even entertain thoughts of her.

As we move into the beginning of a new year, love is back at my door, begging for attention, begging to be better understood. Love wants to come back. She needs to come back...heck, I will even admit, I need to believe in her again.

But how. How do we start anew? How do I embrace her without fear of losing myself?

These are the questions I have for her. In 2008, I am inviting love over...just to talk. I have resolved to finally listen to what she has to say. I have pledged to myself to learn as much about her as I can, so that when I am ready, I could, maybe, possibly... invite love back into my life.

I want to enjoy her in all of her fullness. Wrap myself up in her without reservation or hesitation. Most of all, I want her to love me back in her gentle and loving way.

This all seems very promising.

THIRTY-ONE in TWO THOUSAND EIGHT

In March, I will be thirty-one (31)!

I just turned 30..in Las Vegas, in a rather special celebration of having friends and family surrounding me and lifting me up (and taking me out). It was a memorable experience and I will never forget it.

Let's recap 2007:

January 17th: Break up with boyfriend of nearly three years.

March: Fabulous celebration with friends and family...in Vegas. Sign up to do first triathlon.

April: Start dating good friend of 8 years. Throw party with bc girls.

May: Stop dating good friend of 8 years. Quite painful to break up with two men in 6 months.

June, July, August: A Blur...training for the triathalon, mild depression... low points of the year.

Septemember: Complete my first triathalon! Dad comes into town to cheer me on! Hooray!

October: CCWC conference w/ANTM: Life changing! Things are looking up!

November: Grateful, blessed. Mom comes into town to hang out! Hooray for moms!

December: It is the end of the year, as with every year, I have come full circle. I am happy, healthy and open to all the best that is yet to come in 2008.

But...I am going to be thirty-one! It seems like just yesterday I was 29.


all I can say is...


BRING IT ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:)

MY HAIR

I love it.
It is me.
It looks like this except much shorter and sticking straight up and out as opposed to hanging down.

And that is cool with me.

After I wash and twist out, I am golden.

What I would love to happen is for a man to step to me with the line...

"My sista, you wear a beautiful crown..."

I would hesitate for a minute, not quite getting it.

Then I would smile and say "Thank you, I know."

IZZIE AND GEORGE-

I know what it is like to be Izzie in a way. I haven't ever slept with any women's husband, or even flirted with another woman's husband for that matter, nor would I. However, I have been really good friends with a guy and somehow that friendship has blossomed into something more between us. I completely understand the awkwardness of switching from best friends to lovers and how once you turn that corner you can never really go back to being what you once were.

When it doesn't work out, it is pretty devastating because not only do you lose a love relationship but you truly lose your best friend as well.

(sigh)

Good luck with that.

I AM BAAAAAAAACK!

SO. My friend who I like to call 'America's Next Top Model' or ANTM for short sent me a text, talkin bout' "Can you update your blog?"

What can I say...When my fans call...I must respond.

I am back with a few pieces of utter insanity.

First and foremost, my hair has been outshining my face.

Seriously?

Uh...let me explain. For the last few weeks my hair has been jammin'. People have been flagging me down in grocery stores, parking lots, church etc., just to tell me my hair is cute. And I have to admit, it is pretty bangin'. I am rocking twist outs every week and my hair just does what it do, and I love it.

But a few days ago, I was in the mirror and my eyes shifted between my face and my hair...back to my face...then to my hair, all of a sudden I started wondering if I my face had lost its cuteness. And then, because you know I take it there and I had to put on a contest with me as the judge.

Hair, full and free-2 points.
Face, clear and clean-2 points.
Hair-textured and strong-4 points.... Yeah, y'all know I am crazy.

Next item.

I have been getting to work on time all week. It is miraculous. I am scheduled to be to work at 9am. I generally roll in around 10a. Before you start invoking stereotypes of black people being late to the job, please know that I work in a large corporation where many directors (Black, White or Striped) roll in around 9:30a or 10a. Heck, my supervisor usually isn't to work until roughly 10:30am. But now that I am able to get ready in 45 minutes, I am not really sure why I was getting to work late in the first place? I am a little puzzled as to what my shiftless behind was doing with that extra hour.

Moving on.

I have to make lists or my life falls apart.
There I said it.
It is true folks. Bills don't get paid, folks don't get called. Work doesn't get done.
The world nearly ends.
I made a call list yesterday and I took it out while I was getting my hair done.
My stylist was like "You have to write down your mother on your call list."
Uh, did I not just tell you my life falls apart without a list!

That's it for now. Ima watch Grey's.

Holla at me in the comments.

AN OPEN LETTER TO MYSELF

Dear lovely,

I have been so hard on you over the last 30 years. I have put you down, questioned your worth, lacked confidence in your abilities and been really awful to you sometimes.

And for that, I apologize.

This past year has been filled with unbelievable highs and some really hard times. And just this week, I have come to realize how talented, smart, beautiful and worthy you are.

You have been through so much in your short little life. You have struggled through daddy issues, bad relationships, depression, law school and you have overcome it all.

You are a walking miracle.

The ancestors are cheering you on.

Do you know that you defy gravity?

Every time you walk into that Senior staff meeting and every time you are at the table with the decision makers, you are defying gravity. You are making history every day simply by being invited to the dance and showing up.

I don't every want to see your shoulders slumping or to see your head down. I promise to never believe what the world says about you in song, in the workplace or in the news. When I look at you, all I can see is what God has "fearfully and wonderfully made". I see the power of his blessings and annointings resting on your spirit. And if God is for you, then who shall ever be against you.

How has it happened that you are corporate counsel at the age of 30?

How has it happened that you have gotten to a level in your career that most people dream of?

It can only be a combination of God's blessings, that he is the source of all that you have acquired and that you are worthy.

I implore you to continue to walk into your annointed destiny. To walk talk and proud, knowing that God is waiting to supply your heart's desires.

This is the time to walk in confidence and to know that you are more than enough.

I am very proud of you. And I love you, with all of my heart.

In God's hands,
lovelyjd

Thoughts on a past relationship

There is a boy. A man really. We dated many years ago. He rejected me.

Now he calls me. Just to talk. First he apologized. I accepted. But didn't really need to talk beyond that.

But we talk. Maybe once a month. But every time I talk to him, I am not sure why we are talking.

We don't have alot in common anymore. He has 2 kids, by 2 djfferent mothers.

I have none.

He is another state, living a life that I can't begin to comprehend. Struggles beyond anything I could probably imagine.

But when he calls, I feel the need to call him back.

But why?

He doesn't have any chance with me. (I believe in never saying never, but ima say never.)

So what's the point?

Writers block

Hey y'all in the year I have had various blogs...I am finally experiencing writer's block.

sorry.